I think we can all agree that there are a plethora of utterly ridiculous names for metal bands: Fuck…I’m Dead, Goblin Cock, Cock and Ball Torture, Anal Cunt (R.I.P. Seth Putnam), Flagitious Idiosyncrasy in the Dilapidation, and Clotted Symmetric Sexual Organ just to name a few. Hell, there is even a Turkish band called …Aaaarrghh… There is also a French band called Aaaaargh! Bloody 2-Handed Chainaxe Blow if you’re not into that whole brevity thing (A!B2-HCB…?).

But the thing that all of those band names have in common, besides being ridiculous, is that they all still sound metal as fuck. There is a much smaller population of band names that, well…don’t sound quite as “metal as fuck” as the previous bands mentioned. In fact, they don’t sound metal by a long shot. Here are some of the band names I have in mind:

Vicious Rumors
If I was a 13 year-old girl and was wanting to start a metal band with my giggling, acne-faced, pre-pubescent girlfriends, I think Vicious Rumors would probably be my first choice. We could write lyrics about how we heard that Veronica gave, like, five guys hand jobs in the bathroom. Or that Tommy is the hottest guy ever and we want to have, like, 23 babies with him. Well, maybe Potty Mouth or Gossip Girls would be the only better names in that situation.

Job For a Cowboy
THIS IS A JOB FOR…a cowboy? You want to know what A Job For a Cowboy is? Exactly what Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall do to each other throughout the majority of Brokeback Mountain. But in all seriousness, let’s for a second consider if the job of a cowboy is actually metal: they spend their days herding and tending to cattle…um, I mean…I don’t know.

Strapping Young Lad
Right, so me and my wifey were wanting to start a brilliant cyber/industrial metal band in tribute to our dear boy, Nigel. We thought it an absolutely splendid idea! He’s oh so adorable!

I would totally understand this name if the band members were made of Hasidic Jews. With their Rabbi’s blessing, they decided to start the heaviest, most complex fucking metal band in the entire fucking galaxy. Raise the horns for Yahweh!

(for those of us less cultured: meshuggah, also meshugah, meshugge, etc. all translate to “crazy” in Yiddish)

“Ahhh, the great sounds of a gentle rain. This reminds me of the last Enya record…(as the metal comes in) WHAT THE FUCK!?”

You’ve GOT to be kidding me. Just marginally less metal than naming your metal band Fairies and Lollipops, Nightwish (not just the name, but their music as well) reminds me of a horribly depressed, Fantasy reading, 10th grade nerd praying in his bed to the High Gods of Zandorra to be able to kiss Nicole Franklin, the captain of the cheerleading squad. If only those Gods, in all their infallibility and splendor, could hear his lonely prayer. If only they could hear his…night wish.

I can only conclude that some metal bands need to do a hell of a lot more creative thinking when naming their band. Can you think of any more band names that are real but completely unmetal?

– Judge Dredd