Hails! Grym Kym here! Let me begin with a brief preface to assure you that I am qualified to dispense advice on the subject of having breasts and attending metal shows. I’ve been going to metal shows for years now and have finally perfected the formula for having a fucking awesome time. It’s quite simple really. Booze + live metal = fucking fun. But if you’re just starting out you may need a little advice. Or maybe you don’t. This entry will probably be the most useful to the girls who are just going because their boyfriends are. If you are one of those girls, heed my advice. No matter how you feel about metal now, I am quite positive that you can have a great time. Maybe even a better time than your metal-head boyfriend. Perhaps metal could even change your life.

Personally, I am a big fan of viking/folk and power metal. I also like some symphonic black metal, but any metal show can be enjoyed by all. Even though I wouldn’t sit around my house and listen to Cephalic Carnage, or drive around town with Pig Destroyer at max volume, I would still go out of my way to see them live. Live metal is good metal. It’s all about the experience. I have been lucky enough to see some amazing live shows, such as Nightwish, Amon Amarth and Sonata Arctica. Other bands I’ve seen include, but are not limited to: 1349, Goatwhore, Celtic Frost, Dragonforce, Testament, Municipal Waste, Zephania, Lazarus A.D., Cannibal Corpse, Manilla Road, and of course, local favorite, Hammerlord.

Alright, good. Now you are convinced that I know a thing or two. Over the years I have learned what to do to maximize your viewing pleasure.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

• Dress for the occasion – Keep in mind that if all goes well, you will be attending a night of guzzling beer, chain smoking cigarettes and head banging. Whatever you do, do not wear a skirt. Especially not a short one. Having a hand up my skirt in a mosh pit was enough to teach me that lesson. Your best option is jeans and a t-shirt. Go with a plain t-shirt or tanktop, preferably black, or a t-shirt with the name of a good metal band on the front. If you’re a n00b and you’re not sure which metal bands are cool, don’t risk it. ICP, Slipknot and Disturbed are all no-no’s. Iron Maiden and Slayer are safe bets and can be worn to shows of varying metal genres. If you’re like me, and aren’t into denim and tees, try mixing it up with some hot black skinny jeans and a red low cut shirt. Metal loves cleavage, and it’s a lot harder for some loser to covertly cop a feel of your boobs than to slyly slide a hand up your thigh. You’ll be able to see them and punch them in the face, or get your man to do it for you. My standard metal show attire consists of black skinny jeans, comfortable flats (make sure they fit snugly so you don’t lose one in the insanity of it all), a red tank top, a black, tight, v-neck shirt, black eyeliner and red lipstick. Black is the best to wear on top because if you’re doing everything right, you should break a sweat, and you don’t want that to show. Don’t wear anything expensive or too well-loved. It could get ruined.

• Drink excessively– If you’re not that into metal and you don’t drink, then just don’t go. I promise you won’t have too much fun if you’re soberly milling about. You’ll end up staring at merch for three hours. I enjoy going to metal shows and I like to get into it, but I definitely need a little buzz to get me loosened up. The most fun I’ve ever had was at a power metal show in Kansas City. I drank PBR tall boys and headbanged with the guys. It’s more fun the more you get into it. Your first time headbanging might make you feel a little silly, but if you get a few beers in you, you won’t be worried about what anyone thinks of you. And I hope that you’re not too worried about the opinions of the sullen mallcore kid with myspace hair or the forty year old man wearing a Goatwhore t-shirt. Finding a hot guy at a metal show is kind of like looking for a needle in a haystack… so leave your insecurites with the door guy.

DRINKING TALLBOYS WITH MANILLA ROAD:

• Drink whiskey or beer – Anything other than whiskey or beer is NOT METAL. Don’t sip on a vodka tonic with a lime or, heaven forbid, Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Long Island Ice Tea is acceptable, but only because it will get you drunk fast. Getting drunk fast is metal.

• Get to the stage – Metal is not meant to be observed from the back of a venue. You need to be up close and personal to get the full experience. I would have to say that the entertainment value of a metal show is 25% music and 75% stage presence. You’re going to see a lot of shitty metal bands. You’ll probably see about twenty shitty bands for every awesome one, but a show with shitty bands can still be a good time. I love getting right in front. It’s pretty cool when the lead singer of some black metal band is scanning the crowd while growling hateful lyrics into the microphone and his eyes fall on you. Makes you wonder what it would be like if he punched you in the face while wearing those spiked gauntlets. Exhilerating! And when the bassist of a power metal band starts headbanging in a circular motion, flinging his long, wavy locks round and round, you’ll probably get some of his sweat on you. Good thing you took my advice and didn’t wear anything expensive or special.

• Talk to people – Guys may not approach you because metal heads aren’t famous for their social skills (Tom G. Warrior’s idea of hitting on me was to say, “Give me kiss?”), so you’re going to have to do the work. It’s really fun to talk to some of these people, once you’ve learned enough to weed out the losers (you can usually spot them by what band’s t-shirt they’re wearing). Don’t waste your time talking to anyone wearing bondage pants. Bondage pants and the people who wear them are gross. If you’re looking for conversation, the merch table is always a good place to go. You’re a girl at a metal show, they’ll talk to you. You’re a novelty and a prize (as long as you’re in the states). A lot of times you’ll find some of the band members hanging around the merch. Talk to them! They will want to talk to you, especially because of your gender, unless, of course, they’re from Europe. If they’re from Europe, they probably have more of a problem not getting laid when they’re playing at home. Don’t be offended if the Europeans aren’t beguiled by you. They’re like Gods where they come from.

TALK TO THESE GUYS: